Poor Moon Pappy. All he wants for Christmas is a fruitcake, but they’re getting hard to find. All the stores have fancy Italian holiday desserts like Panettone and Pandoro. Whatever those are, and don’t bother to tell me what those are because they sound like weapons in the War on Christmas.
Do stores no longer stock the classic and unfairly maligned delicacy that is fruitcake? Actually, some do.
Me: You don’t happen to have any fruitcake in here?
Williams Sonoma Guy: We do indeed, and it’s the best fruitcake ever!
Me: A bold statement.
WSG: It’s the only fruitcake I’ll eat.
WSG: But it’s not cheap.
Me: How much?
Me: No thanks.
WSG (looks around and lowers his voice): My recommendation is to buy a really cheap drugstore fruitcake and douse it in alcohol.
Excellent plan, WSG. Moon Pappy, I love ya, but you are not getting a $46 fruitcake for Christmas. Also, the fruitcake was large (as a $46 fruitcake should be), and Mrs. Moon Pappy has banned large fruitcakes.
PS It is tempting to ask if anyone has a fruitcake from last year that I can regift to Moon Pappy. However, thanks to the Internet, this story has a happy ending.