I Love You, I Hate You: stop messing it up

frowny balloonIt used to be a favorite ritual:  get up early, go to the gym, hope that the City Paper delivery guy shows up before the end of my workout, snag a paper on the way out, and read I Love You, I Hate You over a bowl of shredded cinnamon mini-wheats.  But now it’s all ruined!

Isn’t it bad enough that the 2004 presidential election divided the US into residents of Jesusland and a bunch of very sorry Canadian wannabes?  Must it also take the fun out of the reader rants and raves?  For example:

America:  The land of fat, lazy, illiterate assholes

Bush voters:  You are the most myopic, backwoods, backward bunch of frat boy-loving hillbillies to walk the face of the earth.

Midwest and South: don’t worry–the people of the North will support your ass through welfare, so you can still buy your beer and ammunition (if you can read that word).

People, these self-righteous rants are no good.  Whatever happened to “Kensington slut,” the woman who swore to sleep with every man in Philadelphia?  Or the woman who wanted to poke her barista’s eyes out?  Sadly, the most recent City Paper had only one example of a good I Hate You:

GRETA:  I compare the thought of you to eating razorblades and then allowing a grade-school soccer team to kick me in the stomach until I die of internal bleeding. No wait, that actually sounds appealing next to you, you fucking derelict!  I can’t fucking believe you ate the last donut. anonymous.

Bless you, anonymous, whoever you are.  Everyone else, stop turning I Love You, I Hate You into a no-fun zone.   It makes me sad.

19 responses to “I Love You, I Hate You: stop messing it up”

  1. mike

    Becky, you should send your rant to I Love You, I Hate You! Or would that just be way too meta? 🙂

  2. Jen

    Just a thought. But hillbillies are uneducated therefore they would never make it to college to be fratboys.

    Ok, here is my own version of “I Love You, I Hate You.”

    JASON — Why did you ask for my number and then say it would be fun if I hung out with you and your girlfriend! What the fuck is wrong with you? Also, your girlfiend is an ugly slut with those hooker boots she wears.

  3. Becky

    Yeah, Jen, that’s the true I Hate You spirit!

    Mike, that’a a great idea; I’m a meta kind of woman. I edited the rant for size and submitted the following:

    People, the self-righteous political rants are no good. Isn’t it bad enough that the 2004 presidential election divided the US into residents of Jesusland and a bunch of very sorry Canadian wannabes? Must it also take the fun out of I Love You, I Hate You?

    Ooh, I hope they print it!

  4. Jen

    Good luck!

  5. Bernard (The Beat is back)

    In order to get it printed I think that you may need to add some colorful language. How about changing “residents of Jesusland” to “slutty residents of Jesusland” and change “bunch of very sorry Canadian wannabes” to “bunch of very sorry assholes”.

    Just a thought…

  6. Becky

    Jen, I was going to submit yours too, but I figured that Jason–if he’s real–probably doesn’t read the Philadelphia City Paper.

  7. Tom

    It’s all the fault of the 24 hour news networks that fool us into thinking that it matters who gets elected so that we will watch their sorry ass channels. God, I hate politics. It sucks the enjoyment out of life and leave us despising each other because of who we voted for.

  8. Jen

    Becky, maybe I will send him this link in the near future just to amuse myself.

  9. Becky

    Exactly. You should hate people because they ask for your number and then want you to hang out with their girfriends, not because they voted for one candidate over another.

    And on the topic of hate, I just stumbled across a blog that linked to that stupid fuckthesouth website AND featured the Old 97’s Wreck Your Life album. Uh, hello?

  10. mae

    i hate yo muthafuckin ass for being jewish

    Shortly after this comment was posted, the author e-mailed an amendment: ” i really don’t hate people for being jewish – i just hate this one jewish dude.” – Ed.

  11. Clair

    I hate people who think I care about who/what they love/hate.

    And tomatoes.

  12. Sassy J

    Becky–I keep a list of people with a love/hate column–and your name is in it. Under hate it says “slimy” and “tomatoes.” So, you and Clair have a lot in common. Of course this is a list in my cooking binder–for those times I can’t remember who hates cucumbers but loves mangoes, and who hates mangoes. Speaking of tomatoes, it’s good that you two hate them. Not only are their prices sky-high–but I bought two plum tomatoes yesterday for $1.90 and they sucked, and had to be thrown away.

  13. Sassy J

    PS I, who enjoy a huge variety of foods and cuisines, hate mashed potatoes because of their texture.

  14. Sassy J

    Well, I’ve recently seduced my man with my Sassy J favorite fall fruit combination of mangoes and pomegranate seeds (to make: score a mangoe half with a serrated knife in a grid, push from the skin side in, segments pop out, cut them off. Cut the pomegranate in half, soak in water for 5 minutes–makes the seeds easier to peel–good activity to do while talking on the phone).

    Sam, thanks for the Trader Joe’s tip (I love that store–have you tried their coco dusted chocolate truffles? put in the fridge and pop one in your mouth and it will dissolve in luscious slow delight–can be used as a cult reward–make sure you buy the brown box of truffles, not the blue)–but I must say, you should never refrigerate tomatoes or peppers–the cold air significantly changes alters their chemistry. To speed up or perfect ripening tomatoes, put them in a bag or next to bananas or pears–they have a natural gas exchange that speeds the ripening process. I love grape tomatoes the best–but they were unavailable the other day.

    Becky–I didn’t know mozzarella was on your hate list! What about on pizza?

  15. Becky

    Sassy, you’re a woman of many lists. Maybe next week I’ll submit my “I Hate Slimy Foods” haiku to the Love/Hate column:

    Tomatoes and squash,
    Mozzarella and eggplant
    Torment with their slime.

  16. Sam

    Sassy J: Trader Joe’s has the best tomatoes I have ever come across. They are firm, tasty and have the little green leafy parts. They also last quite a while in the fridge.

    And who on earth could possibly hate mangoes?

    P.S. Becky…hope this is not too OT. Don’t ban me!

  17. Sam

    I guess the time has come for me to gross you out as well…because I happen to like semi ripe mangoes with salt, chilli powder sprinkled ontop. This combo happens to be popular in Baja California as well. At least at this one beach I was at.

  18. Jen

    Seriously, who hates mozzarella?

  19. Becky

    Cheese is my favorite food, and there are very few kinds I don’t like. However, mozzarella is nasty. It’s barely acceptable in its shredded form (as on pizza, but only if there’s not too much of it), but those big, slimy globs? Eeeew.