Who wants to join my cult?

what color is your parachute
According to the exercises in What Color is My Parachute, my destiny in life is to be a cult leader.  This career path has many advantages over my current position in the soulless office park:

  • Work from home:  Through the wonders of the interweb, I can preach in my PJs.
  • Travel:  I’ll hold quarterly cult conferences in my favorite cities.
  • No pager or cell phone:  As a spiritual leader, I will be tethered not to an electronic device but to a higher power.
  • Instant audience:  having a cult will be my big publishing break.  Followers will have to buy my books because, well, they’re my followers.
  • Early retirement:  once my cult gets off the ground, I will retire to figurehead status.  I’ll still collect the money and make the big decisions, but day to day cult operations will be delegated to trusted disciples.

I am now accepting applications for the position of disciple trainee; remember, the best way to become a powerful cult member is to get in on the ground floor.  This position includes a great benefits package, complete with Canadian health coverage and a 401(k)oolaid plan.

28 responses to “Who wants to join my cult?”

  1. Jen

    You forgot the most important benefit: Tax-exempt status.

  2. TPB, Esq.

    There’s no elective surgery, as per the Hale-Bopp crew, is there?

  3. Sam

    Hey this cult thing is hard work. I started a religion, and I have yet to get a single follower. Or money. Money guarantees that prayers will be answered.

  4. Sam

    And since I have a religion, I will not be joining yer cult.

  5. pam

    If you were a male cult leader, you’d be guaranteed sex all day, every day. But I’ve never heard of a female cult leader, so I don’t know how that benefit package works.

  6. pam

    You got this out of WCIYP? Dude, I’ve got to pick up a later edition.

  7. Bernie Goldbach

    Immediately after you posted this item, I received two unsolicited emails about prayer meetings and Bible studies from parts of the world I have never visited. Have you started your new career already?

  8. Sassy J

    I thought I was already in your cult. If I’m not–what are all those crazy rituals we’ve been participating in for? Ummm, if you are not going to be tethered to electronic devices, doesn’t this contradict running the cult through the “interweb”? What is the interweb? Is it akin to an intranet?

  9. Sherri

    I always joked abotu wanting to be a professional guru once I figured out how to swing the “keeping a roof over my head” piece of the puzzle. But yes, now I see how cultishness is a much smarter solution for that….

    This was really in Parachute? What other strange new careers have been added since I last peeked inside those multi-hued covers?

  10. Clair

    I am afraid I cannot join. While I do not have a cult myself, I do have a cult following. If I joined there would probably be a power struggle and you just couldn’t compete with my hotness.

    Sorry, but good luck anyway.

  11. Scott

    The internets are vast and all embracing.

    I tried joining a cult (Roman Catholic Church) but it didn’t stick.

    How can you assure me that all my time and effort will be rewarded if I join your cult?

  12. very metal

    I think I might also make a valuable cult contribution. I have a legal background as well, so I can tell you where other legal types are trying to lead you astray, thus building much-needed intra-cult tension, friction, and factionalism.

    I could also maybe supply (as needed) BBQ, southern yahoos, and some of that David Koresh-type culty know how. I don’t have any of those things right now, but I can’t imagine they’ll be hard to find here in the Lone Star State. In fact, I’ll go have BBQ for lunch and ponder.

  13. Dave

    How about regional compounds? I would like to cut down on my rent and utilities bills.

  14. Sam

    Becky: I am a goddess, not a “leader”. All shall bow down before me. Or I shall strikest thee with my bad poetry.

    And what is wrong with a female cult leaders having sex all day? The seed (or egg) must be spread.

  15. Theresa

    OK, I’m in. But no talking toilets allowed.

    And I insist on a cool name. nothing sing-songy or stupid.

  16. Jen

    I’m in too, but only if the men are subservient to women.

  17. Judy

    can we wear cool shirts with the collar up?

  18. Subtext Whore

    I’m in too, but only if the men are men. 😉

  19. Scott

    Damn my rigid logic! I am always missing out on cool stuff.

    Can I at least get the cult newsletter?

  20. Dana

    i thought this WAS A cult

  21. Becky

    I’ll give the name thing some thought. No worries, Theresa–sing-songy is not really my style.

    Re: the subservient men. I don’t want to scare men away from the cult, because they are useful for certain things. How ’bout we lull them in with the promise of equality and then throw in a glass ceiling to ensure that they won’t rise to the high leadership ranks? Also, they’ll get 76% of the benefits that women get.

    Judy, I can only hope you’re kidding about the collars. There will be no collar up, mesh shirts, acid-washed jeans, or legwarmers in this cult.

    Dana, if this is a cult, where’s my money and free shelter? Why hasn’t anyone sent me Hello Kitty stiletto boots as an offering?

    And speaking of shelter. Dave, if we go with the communal compound idea…whichever roommate of yours is into the rotting fruit art projects is not allowed to join. Sorry.

  22. Dave

    That’s OK, Becky. That roommate is already in the cult of the Landmark Forum. Seriously.

    76% of the benefits??? Well, I’d like to propose a points system by which men could earn extra rights by killing bugs and opening jars.

  23. Jen

    I agree with Dave. You can earn an extra dollar or whatever, if you can kill mice, open jars and do pullups while shirtless.

  24. marcus

    “She Sells Sanctuary” is one of my favorite songs by The Cult.

    Just thought I’d add something not quite on topic, yet tangentially related.

  25. Joseph Sanchez

    If you hurt children or animals forget it, but if you sacrifice an old goat thats fine with me. Oh and does your cult allow people who join keep there lover and not have to share them, because if your cult does, forget about me joining.

  26. Joseph Sanchez

    I’ll join but only if i don’t have to kill satan’s creatures. I will follow you but i have to be allowed to worship satan. Wait sorry i don’t follow people i follow satan. Protect the children ages 1 to 13 and hurt any one who hurts them.

  27. tim k

    i think a lady cult leader is kool. i would love to help out

  28. jennifer

    i want to join this cult so that i am sexually dominated and brainwashed by the master of this cult