Stump blog

A recent NPR piece on John Kerry’s stump speech gave me an idea for saving enough time to read all those books: a stump weblog entry. Instead of writing something completely new each day, I’ll simply fire up the template, fill in a few key phrases, and voilá! The stump format goes something like this:

• acknowledgements
• joke
• issues (emphasizing those important to the local population).

For example:

Good morning everyone! I’d like to thank each and every one of you for your support of Good Grief! It means a lot to me that you are here today. I’d also like to thank my hosts. So did everyone get a chance to check out The Onion this week? Homosexual tearfully admits to being governor of New Jersey? Good stuff. Not that there’s anything wrong with New Jersey.

Speaking of New Jersey.  As your blogger, I will fight for the rights of soulless office park inhabitants everywhere. I will strive to ensure that the business casual dress code does not deteriorate into a chaos of upturned collars, and I will make sure there is a falafel truck within walking distance of every cubicle. No worker will be left behind!

I, too, come from a soulless office park. Your roots are my roots. Your discarded potential is my discarded potential. Let us not quarrel over the coffee machine or the break room refrigerator or who has the worst commute. I promise to be a uniter, not a divider. You can count on me to reach across-the-hall to accomplish our goals without compromising our values and beliefs. Thank you, and God bless the blogosphere.