FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
NOVEMBER 8, 2013 (PHILADELPHIA, PA)–The 2012-2013 Philadelphia Phillies have banded together with the Gin Blossoms, M. Night Shyamalan, the discarded “C” mascot of Commerce Bank, flavored Wawa coffee, Paul Giamatti, and the entire state of Iowa to defend the decent name of all things mediocre. “If dead fish rise to the top of the fishbowl, we would land squarely in the middle,” explained Rubin Amaro, the most mediocre general manager in all of professional sports.
The parade will take place on Front Street (deemed the Most Adequately Paved Street by the Philadelphia Metro in 2006). It will feature a rare performance by Altoona, a distant runner-up to the brass band that ultimately joined the band Chicago.
The Phillies plan to defend their position in 2014 by signing disgraced Boston Red Sox catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia. “What we lose in talent, we will make up in vowels,” said Amaro.