If you live in the thirteenth division of Philadelphia’s fifteenth ward, this is your humble polling place. It will be the usual drill: no muss, no fuss, no hanging chads or busted kneecaps.
A few short blocks away, however, citizens in the seventeenth division will vote at the Russian Orthodox Church. A reliable source informs me that the Russians–in an effort to raise their neighborhood profile–will be handing out pierogies to all voters. In fairness, the giveaway is non-partisan: Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians, and pinko Communists alike will receive this delicious treat.
I’m going on record to protest these meddling Russians. We’ve already sent a clear message to the weenie-spined Limeys about butting out of our elections, so what makes the Russians think they can waltz in with their pierogies and turn out the vote? Not to mention that pierogie bribery increases the risk of illegal multiple voting and other election fraud.