Are we still mad at France? I can’t speak for the rest of the United States, but the Fairmount neighborhood of Philadelphia isn’t holding a grudge. Yesterday we continued a unique tradition of celebrating Bastille Day in front of Eastern State Penitentiary, a historic and ominous-looking prison.
From the top of the Bastille, Marie Antoinette looks down at the crowd and tells them that eating bread violates the South Beach diet. When we insist on beautiful, beautiful carbohydrates, she rolls her eyes and says, “let them eat cake.” After that famous line, Marie’s faithful minions fire up the catapults and shoot Twinkies* to the people below.
Alas, Twinkies do not appease the crowd, so we storm the Bastille, capture Marie Antoinette, and sacrifice an innocent watermelon in the guillotine. Then we sing and drink more beer.
And that’s how we celebrate Bastille Day in Philadelphia.
* In recent years, the cheap bastards have substituted Twinkies for Tastykake butterscotch crimpets, a tragedy of magnificent proportions.